The Roman Catholic Church: It is from the history and practice of the RCC that the idea of sequestering Congress comes. In a few weeks the cardinals of the RCC will meet in a "conclave" (from Latin words "con" and "clavis" meaning "with key") to elect a new Pope to succeed the recently-retired Pope Benedict. It will be the 75th such "conclave." After the last pope resigned in 1295, the cardinals dithered interminably, unable to choose a successor pope. Laity and clergy finally rose up in frustration and "conclaved" the cardinals. That's right: they locked the cardinals into a room, removed its roof and lowered bread and water down to the hapless cardinals until they finally got their act together and decided on a successor pope. Our idea for sequestering Congress is drawn from this historical precedent: who says even an ancient church cannot lead!
The Master Lock Company: For more than 90 years, this company has been manufacturing locks from American-made components. The chambers of the House of Representatives, where the 535 Members of Congress will be sequestered, will be secured by chains connected by Master Locks.
Panera Bread Bakery: This national company has agreed to provide its freshly baked artisanal bread to Congress for as long as they are locked within the Capitol building.
Starbucks: This ubiquitous company . . . the one that pioneered political activism of the sort we are undertaking by, in the last Presidential campaign, refusing to contribute to political campaigns until they advanced serious plans for reining-in deficits . . . will donate their daily brew (to encourage working through the night) plus bottled Ethos water (proceeds of which have already raised over 6 million dollars in support of water, sanitation and hygiene education programs in water-stressed countries around the world.)
Total Wine & More: This 1.3 billion dollar corporation has agreed to donate a limited amount of wine and beer for the exclusive use of legislators who are already known to be alcoholic. The company hastened to add that the offer of these beverages is for medicinal purposes only saying, "we don't want to have legislators who are addicted going into withdrawal during the period of sequestration." They added that, depriving the legislators of distilled spirits would necessarily increase the volume of beverages they would need to consume to achieve the same desired effect . . . thus hastening the overflowing of the porrtable toilets (see below) . . . prompting the members to attend to "the people's business," as it were.
All Safety Products, Inc.: This is a manufacturer of High Density Polyethylene material that it fabricates into portable toilets. They will donate a limited number of these MADE IN THE U.S.A. portable toilets and see to their placement within the well of the House where Congress will be sequestered.
Former Governor of Minnesota Jesse Ventura: Mr. Ventura, also a former star of the World Wrestling Federation, has used his connections to secure the installation of a chain link cage within the House of Representatives so that the members of Congress, should it come to that, can have a regulation, no-holds-barred Steel Cage Match. The installation will be undertaken by the Allegheny Fence Construction Company of Pittsburg, Pennsylvania , using union labor.
N.A.S.C.A.R.: NASCAR team owners and drivers have just come forward to volunteer to continuously race their vehicles around the streets immediately surrounding the Capitol building for the duration of the sequestration. This will generate a racket in excess of 109 decibels which will reverberate off the walls of the Supreme Court, the Library of Congress, the United Methodist Building, and other structures along the route. NASCAR officials expressed the hope that the noise would provide further incentive to the legislators to get on with the business of the people in an expeditious manner.
National Rifle Association: In what was originally thought to be a surprise move . . . but which, upon further reflection, was judged to be useful but not at all surprising . . . the NRA said today that it would issue a Glock G17C to each member of Congress for self-defense. The G17C has a built-in "compensator" that renders the pistol "even more controllable during rapid fire and allowing an improved hit pattern." Officials at the NRA said they became alarmed at the possibilities for violence breaking out amongst the sequestered members. As resons for their concern, they cited 535 men and women being indefinitely crammed together in a steel cage environment, feeding only on bread, water, and alcohol, and using toilets with no external venting system while 43 NASCAR vehicles played Indians Circling the Covered Wagons. The officials responded to reporters questions by stating that their providing these firearms was no different from their asserting that armed school guards and staff should be placed in every school in the nation in order to deter crazy people bearing firearms. "It's simply a matter of attending to the safety of our elected, 2nd ammendment-loving members of Congress," said one official. "We are, after all, only here to help insure the safety of everyone."
